Find the Perfect Outfit: If you are a boy, a tux is a must. If you are a girl, you better find a dress that looks good next to a tux. Think of it this way - would you want the Queen to see you in that thing? So splurge on some black socks and a dress that doesn't show the tattoo you accidentally got in Mexico during last year's spring break.
Beware the Sherry: When you arrive, you will find a large group of people crowded in what looks like a plush living room. Don't be daft. This is not where dinner will be served. This is just an opportunity for everyone to mingle in a close setting, comment on other people's clothing ("Oh yes, I think that dress is lovely! It covers your tramp stamp so nicely!"), and get tipsy on what I can only describe as nail polish remover served in a decorative bottle. Don't try to keep up with the pros. Sip, sip, sip. In fact, I recommend just pretending to sip. Then, you won't have to pretend your face doesn't want to crumple with every acrid taste.
Stand at Your Seat: Once dinner is called, you may take your time looking for your place setting. Don't gawk and don't read all of the names out loud or call to your buddies about where they are sitting. This isn't Chuck E. Cheese. When you do find your seat, act happy about who you are sitting around no matter how you feel about them. You're about to embark on a magical, four hour journey with them and you don't want anyone spitting in your port. Stand at your chair until someone says grace in Latin. Then, you can relax.
Act Like You Know Which Fork Does What: Nobody actually knows which fork is assigned to which course and so nobody will draw attention to the utensil you choose to start your dinner with. Just act natural and keep your elbows off the table.
Don't Be "That Guy:" Let someone else drink too much wine and start accusing other dinner guests of prostitution. It's much more entertaining to be a spectator than to be the one actually falling out of your chair.
Pass the Port: After you've consumed your weight in four delicious courses, it's time for toasts. It is customary to always toast the Queen first, just in case she shows up at the last minute. Then, people may make speeches and toast other people in the room. Then everyone but that person stands before that person makes a speech. For example, I might say, "I do love Oxford in the springtime. The beautiful weather (here here), the sounds of crying from the library (here here), and the Mexican restaurant on St. Michael's Street (HERE. HERE.)! Spring always reminds me of Sir Lord Walter Muffykins because he embodies the fresh air of a new year. To Sir Lord Walter Muffykins!" Now, everyone will stand, take a drink of port, sit back down and listen to Sir Lord Walter Muffykins make a slightly different speech about practically the same thing. The important thing to remember is that sitting and standing is the equivalent of riding one of those giant, circular swing sets at the fair when you've had too much port. So fake sipping is again suggested.
Agree With Everything: No matter what, look happy about everyone's toasts. It's just the right thing to do. And besides, think of all the people trying to keep straight faces during your boring toast. See, it's a true bonding experience, really.
Call a Cab: By now, you've had too much to drink. Don't embarrass yourself by telling anymore stories about your boyhood in the Alps. Hire a cab so you don't trip on your face. It's what the Queen would do.
